Mr. Smooth

One fine day I decided to log onto Facebook. I know, everyone logs onto Facebook as some point in their day. But this Facebook check was different. I had a message in my inbox. I clicked to read a message from a guy I hadn't talked to in a few months. I never really talked to him much in the first place, which confused me as to why he’d want to send me a private message. It just so happened that I was the lucky girl to win his personal lottery and he was asking me out on a date. What the?! The entire situation made me angry. Let me explain why boys:

-He asked me out on Facebook
-He knew I was dating someone: “I know you’re in a relationship with [boyfriend] and all that typical, yet honorable, jazz”
-He used the line: “I just didn’t want you missing out in this opportunity”

Not kidding. I pulled direct quotes from his message. I still can't believe this guy takes himself seriously...

When you’re asking a girl out, I have a few pointers.

DON’T text or Facebook message her. I hope it’s enough common sense for most guys to ask a girl out by either calling her or speaking with her face-to-face, but I guess this concept is a bit difficult for people to understand.

DON'T ask her out if you know she's dating someone else. I would hope it’s also common sense to not ask a girl out when you know she’s happily situated with a boyfriend. Honestly, she’s dating him because she likes him and she isn’t interested in anyone else. Do you really think a slick message on Facebook is going to convince her you’re the better guy? You can’t even ask her out in person!

DON’T tell a girl she’ll be missing out if she doesn’t go on a date with you. Are you really so cool that it's a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity to go out with you? Get a little humility, my friend. You are not God's gift to the world. God put plenty of other, much nicer guys on the earth for us to find.

This is not to discourage people from dating. Let's just try dating like we're adults. Not like we're back in junior high...

Athos

the chase

I live on the third floor of my apartment complex.

On three different occasions boys have run panting up the stairs to catch their dates before they locked themselves into the house.

The first time it was funny.
My roommates had gone to FHE and I stayed home, playing around on my guitar (don't blame me for not wanting to go hang with crazies). They came in after a bit, and separated: some to the kitchen, and a few to their rooms. The door had barely swung shut when there was a pounding at the door.

I got up to answer it.

On the landing, bent over panting from running after my roommates, was a dorky, hair-parted-on-the-side boy.

"Hi," he gasped. "is Joanne here?"
"One sec," I say and then yell, "JOANNE!"

She comes out, and they stand by the door. I go back to the couch, am quietly playing the guitar, while another two girls are talking in the kitchen.

Joanne has been cornered.
"You left FHE so quickly!" He's panting.
Joanne smiles.
"I just wanted to" gasp "ask you on a date for" gasp "this upcoming weekend."

Joanne shoots all of us looks, begging for help, but there is nothing we can do for her. She's at the head of the chase.

Of course, karma made sure that my mocking made me the next victim.
After an awkward double date, we pulled up in front of my apartment. The two of us were in the backseat.
"Well, this was fun," I say, opening my car door. "Talk to you later." I get out and speed walk to the stairs, and am up the second flight when I hear a pounding behind me.

I am literally being chased up the stairs.

That time it was me standing cornered while a panting boy tried to win affections.

The third time was no less horrible.
But there is not need to describe the torture again.

Let me take a moment to say: if a girl is running (literally or metaphorically), STOP CHASING HER.

Maybe some girls like to lead boys on.
But if you have any sense whatsoever, then you know: those are the girls to stay away from.

porthos

Graduate School

When I tell a guy I'd like to go to graduate school and he starts to get his "Oh she's so cute. She doesn't realize she's not ever going to graduate school. Her kids are going to keep her too busy for that" smile, I begin to get rather annoyed. How does he know I'm not going to graduate school? I'm doing what I want in my life. I want an education. Is that really a funny thing to guys? Or is it a terribly strange idea for a girl to have academic desires? I'm supposed to get an education. For all the Mormon boys out there, I can reference quite a few talks that say women need to get as much of an education as possible. WOMEN NEED TO BE EDUCATED!!!
I enjoy school. Yeah, it's hard. It's a hard thing for everyone. But honestly, I'm not about to drop out of school as soon as I get married or pregnant. I'm a woman, not a baby-making machine. I look forward to being a mother, but I also look forward to having a career in academia. What I love is when a guy says "Oh cool! What do you want to do with that?" It means he is interested in me as a person. Not a a potential cook and sex machine.
I admit, I get annoyed with girls who have come to view themselves as mothers and cooks. I get annoyed because they forget a woman is a human who needs to develop as an individual as well as be a mother...and maybe a cook (although guys can be good cooks too). I have a great deal of respect for stay-at-home mothers, don't get me wrong. They have the hardest job in the world - raising children, establishing a good home and holding a family together. Good mothers all over the world are good mothers because they have established their own characters. Children pick up on the insecurities of their parents, but when a woman has become secure in her individuality her children will grow into capable adults.
So actually, a woman taking time to develop herself (like in an education!) is a wise idea. Guys, don't look down on women who realize this. They're working on being the best woman they can be.

Athos

Ninja Dates

We know you think that you're clever.
You call a girl up, text her, write on her facebook wall, or say casually in passing, "hey, by the way, some friends and I are going to [insert activity] friday at like 8. Interested?"
The inserted activity could be going to a movie, going bowling, playing games, heading out for ice cream, or something built for groups.
A girl says to herself, "I don't have a date, and this beats hanging out with my roommates, and watching movies," or "I don't want to go on a date with this boy, but this is not a date so I am safe." Maybe she even says "His attractive roommate and best friend will surely be there, and since it's not a date there is no harm in going to see him."

And yet, when eight o'clock rolls around you shows up at her door wearing a polo and three squirts too many of Curve For Men. She feels a little sheepish in a t-shirt, jeans, and a pony tail, but pulls on shoes and heads out.

Once in the car she asks, "So, who else is meeting us there?"
Then the bombshell.

One of two answers, "Oh, it's actually just going to be us tonight."
or (the worse of the two): "Just my roommate Jeff and his girlfriend."

O, ho! So is this a date? At the risk of seeming tactless, she doesn't ask whether or not you're on a date.
That may be her biggest mistake of the evening.

Only when you've entered the movie, bowling alley, or ice cream parlor, and paid can she be confident. She is on a Ninja Date.
This type of date is especially effective for boys who have tried and failed to pick a girl up, are too nervous to ask her on a date, or are completely desperate.

The worst type of Ninja Dates are dates wherein you don't go anywhere that costs money.

Because then, five freaking hours later when she stumbles into her house, tired and confused, and her roommates ask if it was a date, she still don't know for sure.

Porthos

Bienvenue!

Hello.
We are making a blog.

We live in Provo, and no, we're not all single.
But you are.
and we know why.

There are three of us,
Athos
Porthos
and Aramis.

You are sensing a theme.

Good work.